The desert Island meme.
You are about to spend a year on a desert island what would you take with you if space was limited:

5 Albums only on your mp3 player

Entombed-Wolverine Blues
My Chemical Romance-Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge
Nirvana-Bleach
Oasis-Be Here Now
Pink Floyd-The Wall

5 Items of clothing

Nothing. If I was alone on a desert island I'd be stark bollock naked.

5 Luxury food stuffs (your Island has a fridge/freezer)

Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle.
Pork Scratchings.
Big huge chunks of beef.
King Prawns.
Duck.

5 Reminders of home

Photos of my loved ones.
That's it. 5? Why would I want to be reminded of Hell while I was in Heaven?

...... I shot JFK. Several years before I was born. There, I've said it. Phew! That's a weight off!

Errrm not the best start to a post Davie.... I know...... A joke! Yeah, that'll keep 'em happy......

A man was walking down a beach, and started praying to God:
"God, I've believed in you all of my life, over 30 years, and I've always been faithful and done everything I can in my power in order to be a good person. Surely, God, this is worth at least one request of mine?"
Later, he gets a reply off God, and his booming voice goes "You can have one request only, and I will give you 1 hour to think of it"
So, the man thinks for a while, and starts praying again "I would like a bridge from the UK to Hawaii, so I can drive over whenever I like, not having to worry about catching planes etc..."
God listened, and replied "I'm sorry, but that's really not possible. Imagine how hard that would be to do, the sheer amount of material required, the cost, it's near enough impossible too! Please think of something else to ask for, I'll give you extra time, so I would like to hear a response by tomorrow"
Anyway, the next day, he prays again and says "God, I've thought of something else you can do for me! I would like to fully understand women, understand what they mean when they say "nothing's wrong", why they give me the silent treatment and to be able to read their minds as they expect all us guys to do..."
God promptly replies "Do you want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge?"

Now clap for me as I pretend to be Teen Wolf.

It's NOT wednesday today and this has been proved to me by a Newspaper! I've beaten the grounhog!

What to blog, What to blog? I know!!

Things I have eaten today.

1. A corned beef and tomato sandwich.

Not much of a list eh? I could have left the 1 off really. Still it was a nice sandwich. It smiled at me.

Did I ever tell you lot about the time I met the Queen? No? That's because I didn't meet her.It didn't happen. Not Even remotley. So if I had told you that story it would have been a lie. Be warned.

Can dinosaurs get driving licenses.... right that's it. Enough off this bollocks. Idiot.

....Silent Planet, many happy returns mate!

The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can’t do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can’t. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you’ll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can’t bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?

I think we’ve all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically.

Well Mr. Turner, I’ve changed me mind. If you spring me from this cell, I swear on pain of death, I shall take you to the Black Pearl and your bonnie lass. Do we have an accord?

“The Immortal Captain Jack Sparrow.” It has such a lovely ring to it…

A wedding? I love weddings. Drinks all around!

Worry about your own fortunes gentlemen. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers.

When you marooned me on that god forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate: I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.

You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You’re not a eunuch are you?

Fortunately, I know how to counter it; the man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink; the man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition from the man who did the waking.

Of the two of us I am the only one who hasn’t committed mutiny, therefore my word is the one we’ll be trusting. Although, I suppose I should be thanking you because in fact, if you hadn’t betrayed me and left me to die, I would have an equal share in that curse same as you.

Me? I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.

Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.

She’s safe, just like I promised. She’s all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we’re all men of our word really… except for, of course, Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman.

I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Master Gibbs. Now where is that monkey? I want to shoot something!

Got it! Come to negotiate, eh? Have you, you slimy git? Look what I got
I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what’s inside it!

Can’t let you do that, William. ‘Cause if Jones is dead, who’s to call his terrible beastie off the hunt, eh? Now, if you please. The key.

Ah-ha! So, we’ve established my proposal as sound in principle. Now, we’re just haggling over price.

Let us examine that claim for a moment, former Commodore, shall we? Who was it that, at the very moment you had a notorious pirate safely behind bars, saw fit to free said pirate and take your dearly beloved all to hisself, eh? So whose fault is it *really* that you’ve ended up a rum-pot deckhand what takes orders from pirates?

Have you not met Will Turner? He’s noble, heroic - terrific soprano. Worth at least four… maybe three and a half. And did I happen to mention… he’s in love? With a girl. Due to be married. Betrothed. Dividing him from her and her from him would only be half as cruel as actually allowing them to be joined in holy matrimony, eh?

No. If we don’t have the key, we can’t open whatever we dont’ have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don’t have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?

Technically, I was only captain for two years, then I was viciously mutinied upon.

I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Lum se se, eunich-y. Snip snip.

Now, Will, you tell me somethin’. Have you come because you need my help to save a certain distressin’ damsel? Or… A damsel in distress? Or… whatever…

Send this pestilent, traitorous, cow-hearted, yeasty codpiece to the brig.

This is not my vessel. My vessel is magnificent, and fierce and huge-ish and gone. Why is it gone?

Why would he do that? Because he’s a lummox, isn’t he? Well we shall have a magnificent garden party and not invite him!

And all of this pales to utter insignificance in light of the fact that my ship is once again gone. Savvy?

I leave you people alone for just a minute and look what happens. Everything’s gone to pot!

A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he said.
"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.

Some random stuff;

I've gone past the week mark and I'm still smoke free. I think I can crack it.

I hate Scouting For Girls and their shitty pop music so much I want to scream.

Its very hot today but I'm wearing a hoodie.

There were so many Polish people on the Metro this morning I thought I'd woke up in another country. Poland? Yep, that's the one.

What do they do with do with the bit from the middle of a Polo?

I have spoken to six people called Steven today.

What is the purpose of the Daily Star?

I am so bored I could cry.

I'm off to read some blogs, I'm boring myself.

The Articles of Bartholomew Roberts:

I. Every man has a vote in affairs of moment; has equal title to the fresh provisions, or strong liquors, at any time seized, and may use them at pleasure, unless a scarcity (no uncommon thing among them) makes it necessary, for the good of all, to vote a retrenchment.

II. Every man to be called fairly in turn, by list, on board of prizes because, (over and above their proper share) they were on these occasions allowed a shift of clothes: but if they defrauded the company to the value of a dollar in plate, jewels, or money, marooning was their punishment. [this was a barbarous custom of putting the offender on shore, on some desolate or uninhabited cape or island, with a gun, a few shot, a bottle of water, and a bottle ofpowder, to subsist with or starve] If the robbery was only betwixt one another, they contented themeselves with slitting the ears and nose of him that was guilty, and set him on shore, not in an uninhabited place, but somewhere, where he was sure to encounter hardships.

III. No person to game at cards or dice for money.

IV. The lights and candles to be put out at eight o'clock at night: if any of the crew, after that hour still remained inclined for drinking, they were to do it on the open deck; [which Roberts believed would give a check to their debauches, for he was a sober man himself, but found at length , that all his endeavours to put an end to this debauch proved ineffectual.]

V. To keep their piece, pistols, and cutlass clean and fit for service. [In this they were extravagantly nice, endeavoring to outdo one another in the beauty and richness of their arms, giving sometimes at an auction (at the mast) thirty or forty pounds a pair for pistols. These were slung in time of service, with different coloured ribbands over their shoulders in a way particular to these fellows, in which they took great delight.

VI. No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man were to be found seducing any of the latter sex, and carried her to sea, disguised, he was to suffer death; [so that when any fell into their hands, as it chanced in the Onslow, they put a sentinen immediatelyover her to prevent ill consequences from so dangerous an instrument of division and quarrel; but then here lies the roguery; they contend who shall be sentinel, which happens generally to one of the greatest bullies, who, to secure the lady's virtue, will let none lie with her but himself.]

VII. To desert the ship or their quarters in battle, was punished with death or marooning.

VIII. No striking one another on board, but every man's quarrels to be ended on shore, at sword and pistol. [The quarter-master of the ship, when the parties will not come to any reconciliation, accompanies them on shore with what assistance he thinks proper, and turns the disputant back to back, at so many paces distance; at the word of command, they turn and fire immediately, (or else the piece is knocked out of their hands). If both miss, they come to their cutlasses, and then he is declaired the victor who draws the first blood.]

IX. No man to talk of breaking up their way of living, till each had shared one thousand pounds. If in order to this, any man should lose a limb, or become a cripple in their service, he was to have eighthundred dollars, out of the public stock, and for lesser hurts, proportionately.

X. The captain and quartermaster to recieve two shares of a prize: the master, boatswain, and gunner, one share and a half, and other officers one and quarter.

XI. The musicians to have rest on the Sabbath Day, but the other six days and nights, none without special favour.

The Articles of Edward Low:

1. The Captain is to have two full Shares; the Master is to have one Share and one Half; The Doctor, Mate, Gunner and Boatswain, one Share and one Quarter.

2. He that shall be found guilty of taking up any Unlawfull Weapon on Board the Privateer or any other prize by us taken, so as to Strike or Abuse one another in any regard, shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majoirty of the Company shall see fit.

3. He that shall be found Guilty of Cowardice in the time of Ingagements, shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.

4. If any Gold, Jewels, Silver, &c. be found on Board of any Prize or Prizes to the value of a Piece of Eight, & the finder do not deliver it to the Quarter Master in the space of 24 hours he shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.

5. He that is found Guilty of Gaming, or Defrauding one another to the value of a Ryal of Plate, shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.

6. He that shall have the Misfortune to loose a Limb in time of Engagement, shall have the Sum of Six hundred pieces of Eight, and remain aboard as long as he shall think fit.

7. Good Quarters to be given when Craved.

8. He that sees a Sail first, shall have the best Pistol or Small Arm aboard of her.

9. He that shall be guilty of Drunkenness in time of Engagement shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and Majority of the Company shall think fit.

10. No Snaping of Guns in the Hould.

These were the articles used by Captain John Phillips' ship 'Revenge':

Article One

Every man shall obey civil command; the captain shall have on full share and a half in all prizes. the Master, Carpenter, Boatswain, and Gunner shall have one share and quarter.

Article Two

If any man shall offer to run away, or keep any secret from the Company, he shall be marroon'd with one bottle of powder, one bottle of Water, one small Arm, and shot.

Article Three

If any Man shall steal any Thing in the Company, or game, to the value of a piece of Eight, he shall be Marroon'd or shot.

Article Four

If at any Time we should meet at another Marrooner (that is, Pyrate) that man shall sign his Articles without Consent of our Company, shall suffer such Punishment as the Captain and Company shall think fit.

Article Five

That man that shall strike another, whilst these Articles are in force, shall receive Moses's Law (that is 40 Stripes lacking one) on the bare Back.

Article Six

That Man that shall snap his Arms, or smoak Tobacco in the Hold, without cap to his Pipe, or carry a candle lighted without lanthorn, shall suffer the same Punishment as in the former Article.

Article Seven

That Man that shall not keep his Arms clean, fit for an Engagement, or neglect his Business, shall be cut off from his Share, and suffer such other Punishment as the Captain and Company shall think fit.

Article Eight

If any man shall lose a joint in time of Engagement, shall have 400 Pieces of Eight: if a limb, 800.

Article Nine

If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman, that Man that offers to meddle with her, without her Consent, shall suffer Death.

My ma was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my da.

http://snapsfactor.blog.co.uk/

My Entry

Click to do the big.

Even though I had my neighbours looking at me like I was some kind of perverted freak for lying on the grass photographing toys in the garden? Not that I care you understand ...... *sobs*

And Scooby, I'm sorry to say, didn't make it. He was mauled to death by the dinosaur seconds after I snapped this picture. Could we all bow our heads and have a moments reflection on the Dog, the Legend that was Scooby Doo and let us remember the good times we shared.

AMEN

http://www.cusscontrol.com/swearing.html

Ah, fuck it.

Be warned, by clicking this link you will be transported to a website of such utter crapness you may want to gouge out your own eyes.

http://www.gorge.org/pylons/photos001.shtml

Oh my God.

If YOU can find a worse website than this then put a link to it in the comments for this post. I bet you can't top mine!

And I might watch it again tonight. 'Cos I love it. So there.

Before we broke up my last girlfriend screamed at me "I never want to see you again!".
So I replaced her eye drops with battery acid.

"Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.
"Funny," said the Englishman, "you've got the strangest English accent I've ever heard."

It's a well known fact that light travels faster than sound.
Which is why Women appear bright until you hear them speak.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

Whats the difference between a Nun praying and a Nun having a bath?
Ones got hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

Last night a man was assaulted with a hoover nozzle, and left for dead. Despite being in intensive care, a hospital spokesperson said he's picking up nicely...

I see you've left us matey , fair enough that's your choice but could you please leave a comment here to let me know you're ok? I'll miss you buddy, you're a top bloke. Good luck with your life,
Davie.

Its here at last mate, the day you've been waiting for! No more arsehole bosses, no more cell! I'm chuffed to bits for you pal, Wor Rich, brother by another mother!

I hope you find another job soon but in the meantime you enjoy your well earned rest my friend and on behalf of myself and Forko I'd just like to say YIPPEEEEEEE!!!

Peace out Rich my man,

Davie.

Had a nice night in with Wor Lass. As it was our anniversary I bought her some flowers and chocolates and we ordered a chinese to munch on while we watched the match (Wor Lass loves football by the way, just in case you're thinking "what a twat"). After the match we finally got round to watching Cloverfield which I really enjoyed. I didn't think Wor Lass would like it but she did.

As for the no-smoking situation I'm still hanging in there. I was dieing for a drink last night but I know what I'm like when I'm drinking - Chain Smoker Supreme. Because there are cans of Miller and lemonade in the fridge I tried a shandy and........ I felt ok. So I had another 3 and lo and behold my will power held out. In fact I didn't crave for a ciggy at all, so at least I know shandy is ok!

Have a good day y'all, I'm off to the shop for a sarnie.

How's it hanging?